You Should Learn to Forget What I Say...

"Sometimes I rather envy you, having somewhere to go every morning."
"I thought that made me very middle class?"
"You should learn to forget what I say. I know I do."
"How about you? Is your life proving satisfactory, apart from the Great Matter, of course?"
"Women like me don’t have a life. We choose clothes and pay calls and work for charity and do the season, but really, we’re stuck in a waiting room until we marry."
"I’ve made you angry."
"My life makes me angry, not you."

~*~

The truth is, Matthew Crawley is not a bad man, not in any of the ways she expected. Mary had been unfair to him, both before he arrived at Downton and after. It's true that he wasn't raised to this life, but he can't be faulted for that, and all things told, he's adapting very well.

Running into him at the village fair had been, dare she admit it, a pleasure. Unlike many of the men she meets, Matthew never seems overawed or fearful in her presence. They're not friends, but perhaps they could be. Time will help her accept that Matthew will have the future that should be hers. Time, and securing a good future for herself, of course.

Matthew says that to break the entail, they would need a private bill in Parliament, and with Papa determined not to fight the entail, that option is firmly off the table. The estate, the title, all of it, will be Matthew's when the day comes. At least he's a good enough man not to gloat about it. He almost seems like he would give it all to Mary, if he could. But the lawyer knows the law.

Sadly, Papa said is true as well. Mary's future would be so much simpler if she would just marry Matthew, like everyone in the family seems to want. She'd agreed, albeit reluctantly, to get married for the family once, why not do it again?

For one, she was younger when everything was settled with Patrick. Young enough that she didn't struggle against the arrangement until years later. She wants the position and the life she's been raised to, but she want it on her own terms. She wasn't lying when she told Sybil that she had no unrealistic expectations of romance in marriage, but that doesn't mean she wants no choice. She doesn't want Matthew to inherit her, just another part of the estate. She knows she's being stubborn, but knowing doesn't change the way she feels.

Oh, why couldn't Matthew have been an ogre? Did he have to sweep in, becoming the son Papa had always wanted? This would be so much easier if they could all hate him and move on with their lives. But now it is Matthew that is the golden child, the future of Downton, and Mary has fallen, much farther than even Papa knows. She'd ruined herself with Mr. Pamuk, and if word ever gets out she'll lose her place in society and all her prospects, possibly forever. Six months seems safe, but scandal has a way of following one around forever.

Mama always says that everything will look better in the morning, but Mary somehow doubts that. Each day is as empty of purpose as the next. Each day draws her farther and farther away from the life she thought she should have.

Soon she'll be back in London for the most important events of the Season. Then the rounds of weekend house parties will begin. She'll put on her best face, even though her heart's not in it. She wants a choice in how she'll live her life, and right now, continuing on as if nothing is wrong is the best choice there is.

~*~

[Dialogue from Downton Abbey 1.04 by Julian Fellowes and Shelagh Stephenson]