In Which Nothing Goes As Planned
Dec. 7th, 2014 01:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lady_maryTwo years earlier, Mary could never have imagined seeking advice from a pirate. But then, she never imagined seeing her future sink to the bottom of the Atlantic, or die, suddenly, in her bedroom. A more pious woman would see her current predicament as penance for her sins. But Mary, she... holds a tête-à-tête with the Pirate King.
Perhaps she'll need Elizabeth's advice again. Pirate's know something of revenge, don't they?
Her thoughts fly ahead of her, though. First, a decision.
Mama said to to accept Matthew, and stay silent about Mr. Pamuk, but that was before the baby. If Lady Grantham has a son, will she still think so kindly on her eldest daughter marrying an ordinary Manchester solicitor with no title and no fortune? Aunt Rosamund certainly wouldn't. She has been vehement that Mary should wait until the baby is born to accept Matthew. Or to refuse him.
It's too cold. Too calculating. It's too much the woman Mary is reputed to be, while Matthew makes her want to be anything but. Elizabeth did say that her own husband found out her secrets before their nuptials, and he married her still. If Matthew loves Mary as she loves him, she can only hope he will forgive her past. The news that Matthew may not be Papa's heir after all complicates matters, but when Mary thinks of deserting Matthew now, she feels a sense of loss. She truly believes what she told Aunt Rosamund; Matthew may never be a Lord, but he has the wits and the charisma to rise to power on his own, especially with Mary at his side to navigate society. Mary could... she could adapt to having lesser means, given time. Probably.
And better to have Matthew no than no one ever! God, the humiliation of hearing from Evelyn Napier, a man she considers a friend, that Edith is the source of the rumors about Mary and Mr. Pamuk. It's bad enough the Evelyn knows her shame, and now he knows that Mary's own sister is against her. Edith will ensure that Matthew finds out, sooner or later, so Mary would rather tell him the truth herself.
Yes, when she returns to Downton, it will be time to stop putting Matthew off. He's waited long enough for a response to his proposal. Mary will tell him the truth, and if Matthew will still have her, they'll be married.
~*~
It's late when Mary sends Sybil away. Sybil noticed Matthew's absence at dinner--an urgent matter at his office in Ripon said Mrs. Crawley, looking pointedly at Mary--and Mary's stoic silence, and recognized that something was wrong. Mary confessed the truth to her sister, or most of it at least. She told Matthew a secret about her past, and it irrevocably changed the way he sees her. She feels so foolish and ashamed. She doesn't deserve to be happy, and she said as much, sobbing into Sybil's shoulder.
Sybil embraced her, petted her hair, ensured Mary that she is beautiful inside and out and if Cousin Matthew can't see that, he doesn't deserve her. Mary doesn't believe Sybil, but her voice is comforting.
Alone, Mary awkwardly pulls at the fastenings of her dress. She hears a stitch rip and several beads fall to the floor as she struggles out of the dress, but eventually she frees herself. Her jewelry is carelessly discarded on the dressing table, and her hair cascades around her face inelegantly, mostly free from its pins.
The sad woman in the mirror has become too familiar.
~*~
The Crawley family is now to be unlucky in all things. Mama is still recovering, physically and emotionally, from losing the baby. Papa is haunted by the news that the baby would have been a son. (His sadness that he would finally had a real heir doesn't make Mary feel any better about her own position in the family.) Edith is disappointed in love, rejected by Sir Anthony Strallan. Edith can glare daggers at Mary all she likes; she deserved it. And England is at war again. Papa is already talking of taking up his post in the army again and of the sacrifices they shall have to make at home.
Mary feels like she's sacrificed enough of her happiness without having to forego luxuries. Let it be someone else's turn.
And Matthew has volunteered to serve his country, of course. He would insist on doing the right thing, even if it places his life in danger. Matthew and Mary may not be on speaking terms, but she doesn't want him to die. While he's alive, at least she knows her home will be taken care of, not by her, but by someone fundamentally decent, not by a stranger. And she just doesn't want him to die.
There is at least a small silver lining to the dark clouds gathering about Downton. The imminent war effort is all anyone can talk about. No one has time to gossip about an Earl's daughter's rumored indiscretions.
For now, it will have to be enough.
Perhaps she'll need Elizabeth's advice again. Pirate's know something of revenge, don't they?
Her thoughts fly ahead of her, though. First, a decision.
Mama said to to accept Matthew, and stay silent about Mr. Pamuk, but that was before the baby. If Lady Grantham has a son, will she still think so kindly on her eldest daughter marrying an ordinary Manchester solicitor with no title and no fortune? Aunt Rosamund certainly wouldn't. She has been vehement that Mary should wait until the baby is born to accept Matthew. Or to refuse him.
It's too cold. Too calculating. It's too much the woman Mary is reputed to be, while Matthew makes her want to be anything but. Elizabeth did say that her own husband found out her secrets before their nuptials, and he married her still. If Matthew loves Mary as she loves him, she can only hope he will forgive her past. The news that Matthew may not be Papa's heir after all complicates matters, but when Mary thinks of deserting Matthew now, she feels a sense of loss. She truly believes what she told Aunt Rosamund; Matthew may never be a Lord, but he has the wits and the charisma to rise to power on his own, especially with Mary at his side to navigate society. Mary could... she could adapt to having lesser means, given time. Probably.
And better to have Matthew no than no one ever! God, the humiliation of hearing from Evelyn Napier, a man she considers a friend, that Edith is the source of the rumors about Mary and Mr. Pamuk. It's bad enough the Evelyn knows her shame, and now he knows that Mary's own sister is against her. Edith will ensure that Matthew finds out, sooner or later, so Mary would rather tell him the truth herself.
Yes, when she returns to Downton, it will be time to stop putting Matthew off. He's waited long enough for a response to his proposal. Mary will tell him the truth, and if Matthew will still have her, they'll be married.
~*~
It's late when Mary sends Sybil away. Sybil noticed Matthew's absence at dinner--an urgent matter at his office in Ripon said Mrs. Crawley, looking pointedly at Mary--and Mary's stoic silence, and recognized that something was wrong. Mary confessed the truth to her sister, or most of it at least. She told Matthew a secret about her past, and it irrevocably changed the way he sees her. She feels so foolish and ashamed. She doesn't deserve to be happy, and she said as much, sobbing into Sybil's shoulder.
Sybil embraced her, petted her hair, ensured Mary that she is beautiful inside and out and if Cousin Matthew can't see that, he doesn't deserve her. Mary doesn't believe Sybil, but her voice is comforting.
Alone, Mary awkwardly pulls at the fastenings of her dress. She hears a stitch rip and several beads fall to the floor as she struggles out of the dress, but eventually she frees herself. Her jewelry is carelessly discarded on the dressing table, and her hair cascades around her face inelegantly, mostly free from its pins.
The sad woman in the mirror has become too familiar.
~*~
The Crawley family is now to be unlucky in all things. Mama is still recovering, physically and emotionally, from losing the baby. Papa is haunted by the news that the baby would have been a son. (His sadness that he would finally had a real heir doesn't make Mary feel any better about her own position in the family.) Edith is disappointed in love, rejected by Sir Anthony Strallan. Edith can glare daggers at Mary all she likes; she deserved it. And England is at war again. Papa is already talking of taking up his post in the army again and of the sacrifices they shall have to make at home.
Mary feels like she's sacrificed enough of her happiness without having to forego luxuries. Let it be someone else's turn.
And Matthew has volunteered to serve his country, of course. He would insist on doing the right thing, even if it places his life in danger. Matthew and Mary may not be on speaking terms, but she doesn't want him to die. While he's alive, at least she knows her home will be taken care of, not by her, but by someone fundamentally decent, not by a stranger. And she just doesn't want him to die.
There is at least a small silver lining to the dark clouds gathering about Downton. The imminent war effort is all anyone can talk about. No one has time to gossip about an Earl's daughter's rumored indiscretions.
For now, it will have to be enough.
